Monday, December 12, 2011

The Modern Day Bride Price

So.... apparently in the old days the Bride Price was to prove that he could provide for the young lady. Translate this into modern terms.....
If the young lady loves coffee.... create an assortment of various flavors of coffees, find significant meaning in each one and include a funny mug. If you want bonus points, include a Starbucks Giftcard. This will prove that you can provide for her coffee drinking needs for the rest of her life.
If the young lady enjoys hiking or other outdoor activities.... buy a really expensive pair of hiking shoes, preferably in a white or grey color. Inscribe on these shoes all the things that you like about her. I really am not sure what this proves, but I'm guessing that it proves something.
If the young lady enjoys gardening.... Compose a file of giftcards to various gardening stores. Also give her shovel with a note on it saying that you really dig her. This will prove that not only will she be able to continue her gardening but you will have a life long romance.
If the young lady likes cooking.... Write her a cookbook. Include all your favorites - Pickle Pudding, Hedgehog Soup, and Hotdog Pancakes. Also buy a strainer and leave a note in it letting her know that you hope that cooking for you won't be too straining on her. For bonus points, buy her a frying pan and a DVD version of Tangled. This proves that you will need to buy bigger clothes but you'll have a very happy Wifey Pooh.
If the young lady likes clothing and shopping.... Just don't even go there.... it's not worth it buddy.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

11.5 Reasons Why He/She Might Not Be The One For You

1). He/She doesn't know your name. You may know everything about the, but if they can't remember your name, it might be time to reconsider.
2). He/She lives 12 time zones away and everyone involved is terrified of flying.
3). He/She lost their leg in 'Nam. (whereas you weren't even around for Reaganomics)
4). He/She is already married. (Check! Cause all the good ones are taken.)
5). His average annual income can only be divided by itself and zero.
6). His/Her parents were wolves. (and you can never seem to get a hold of them on a full moon)
7). He can't make eye contact through the renaissance fair armour suit he wears anytime he's out of the house.
8). All fourteen of his/her apartment mates agree he/she's the best at halo
9). They can't think of any more legitimate reasons than eight
10). They hope that no one notices that they filled up all the remaining reasons by making a nazi joke and/or a axe murderer joke
11). He/She is an axe murderer
11.5). If by "axe murderer" you meant "some sort of slaughterhouse employee" then by all means go for it. (I bet you did nazi this one coming for the "half")
~Courtesy of Karsten

Friday, September 16, 2011

Question from the Audience #1

What to do when the one you love... doesn't love you back....

While this can be painful, there are essentially 5 possible solutions. So don't lose heart.

In order to help you better understand these I will be naming them after coffee drinks....

There is the Caramel Machiatio Approach

Essentially just like it is most likely God's will for me to have a Caramel Machiattio today it is also likely that this is the one for you and they just have not noticed your amazing characteristics. In which case it would be a good idea for you to hire a marketing team to create a pamphlet highlighting your strong points and send a box of them to the person you are interested. Because we all know that God normally reveals His will to people through pamphlets.

There is also the Folger's Approach

You know how Folger's is incredibly annoying and yet some people actually drink it? Well, you can just sit back and figure that no matter how annoying you are... somebody is bound to marry you. During this time it would be a good idea to liken yourself to Folger's coffee in every aspect possible. Appear to be worthless and annoying and overall distasteful.

There is also the Espresso Approach

The Expresso Approach basically implies that everything goes so fast that she doesn't have a chance to tell you otherwise. If you don't let her have a word in edgewise she likely won't tell you no. This requires Speed Speaking Skills. For more information on how you can develop your Speed Speaking Skills contact either your local McDonald's manager or your three year old brother. I really don't care because probably neither of them have the answer.

There is also the Sugar and Cream Approach

Simply act so sweet that she can't resist you. Say nice things like, Your hair reminds me of my favorite spaghetti dinner. Use every charm in the book... you know the ones about showing up uninvited to share the other half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

The Black Coffee Approach

Give it to her straight. Set her down and don't water a thing down. Tell her all the reasons why she should marry you. Of course you'll actually have to have reasons for her to marry you which can be hard to come up with at times. But I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually.

Disclaimer: None of these are tried and true approaches. They are simply suggestions. We will not be held liable for any rotten tomato throwing, broken noses, insults, or any other damage that may occur after following any of these approaches.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Thank You!

Thank you all for your amazing ideas! We'll be sure to incorporate these into future blogposts.

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for...
the winner is....


Please stay tuned for a guest post by Karsten.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

We need help....

We need help.... I mean we ARE idiots.... Riiiiiight?

So we need ideas... lots of amazing ideas on what we should write. But naturally you brilliant minds are not going to just TELL us what to write. So whats in it for you?

The Grand Prize winner gets to write a guest post on our blog about their winning topic AND they get a $5 Starbucks Giftcard. And hey... you can use it to take your fiancee out when all of this works for you!

To win.... you have to post your idea below and your email address before August 31st.... simple, right?

Get ready.... set.... go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Creative Ways to ask your Lady Friend to Court you...

Creative ways to ask your Lady Friend to Court you....

  1. Send her a bouquet of flowers with a note asking her

  2. Give her a cookie baking sheet with a note that says, "I may be a half-baked cookie.... but I'm in love with you"

  3. Get her a cup of coffee from Starbucks and write on it, "Don't throw me out with the coffee grounds..... give me a chance.... PPPPPPPLEASE!!!!"

  4. Give her a shovel with a note that says, "I totally dig you"

  5. Ask her if she's studied Proverbs 18:22 lately

  6. Give her a can of corn and tell her that it may be a corny way to ask her to court you... but you really are interested in her

Ideas on How to Break the Ice

  • Start out by bringing up the scores from the wrestling match on channel 6. It’ll help him know that you have a grasp on what’s truly important.

  • Duuhh... Break out your pack of cards and do a magic trick for him! Isn’t that what people always do to ‘break the ice’?

  • Be blunt about it. Arm yourself with an ice pick, and go to him and solemnly inform him that you have come to break the ice before you ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

  • Take careful notes on what his family does to get the best responses. Who knows? Maybe it’s just that one “How was your day, Honey?” that’ll launch you off into that all-important conversation.

  • Invite him over for lunch... Make the menu “Sauerkraut-cream cheese sandwiches to be eaten over the sink.” or something like that.. (beer isn’t suggested)

  • Show off your intelligence and wit by making up your own versions of Reagan and other quotes... Like, “The most terrifying words in the English language are: I am a father and you need to speak with me before you have a chance at having my daughter.” “There is nothing to fear when you’ll just say ‘yes.’” “Don’t hurry - but be snappy.”

  • Flood him with memories. Go out on a drive with him and sing Barney songs the whole way. Don’t forget to try to get him to sing along. (note: you may want to alter or bypass the “I love you” song, or your chances may just be shot.) You could even sing the Elmo song and substitute your own name for ‘Elmo’.

  • Have breakfast with him, and have him make the toast. Then, compliment him on his toasting skills and express how you would love to have him deliver the toast at your wedding.

  • Suggest that you guys melt the ice rather than break it because you have a tender heart and don’t like to crush things. Don’t forget the blow dryer.

  • Ask him if his daughter is looking to upgrade her last name any time soon

  • Explain how the Lord has really been convicting you about certain verses like “a man should leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife”. And clearly state that you need to start applying these verses to your life.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Praying Together

What? Another important aspect of courtship, specifically a Christian courtship, is prayer.
Who? If a couple is in a courtship trying to determine God's will for them both, it's a really good idea to talk to Him.
Why? God should definitely be at the center of your courtship and relationship.
When? A good time would be when you're riding in a bus together toward the ocean, and the driver announces that the gas pedal is stuck to the floor, and the brakes have stopped working. There are other good times to pray (like whenever you are together, or maybe talking on the phone), but I would especially recommend it then.

Side Advantages: Okay guys, listen up (well.. chances are, you're taller than me, so listen down if you must). The man is called to be the Spiritual leader of his wife and household. So this is a good time to start preparing for that. But here's a little extra motivation for you.
This may be true for guys too, but as a girl I know that when I hear someone praying for me, they automatically receive anywhere from 10-2348739287438 awesomeness points in my book. So yeah! Just remember that if you create too many awesomeness point marks in her book, she might eventually run out of space. And her pencil might go dull. Of course, then you could buy her paper and offer to sharpen her pencils... but I think that's beside the point.
Heheheheh.... If you've already gotten her dad's permission for this... Praying with her is an AWESOME way to get to hold her hands!! Of course, if you're in the bus situation, she might be gripping her seat so hard that you'd decide that she'd cut off all circulation if she held your hand...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Destroying the Heart of Flirtatiousness

All fun and games aside, there is one important topic that I feel so strongly about that I can't discuss it in a sarcastic manner, as is so typical on this blog. This is the heart of flirtatiousness.
While flirtatiousness can take on many forms and titles, in essence it's stealing a gift that God hasn't given you.
For all intents and purposes, flirtatiousness is to lead on by your actions and words what you can not righteously fulfill. Quite bluntly, it is possible to play the dating game under the name of "saving your heart", and while never in a relationship with any of those individuals you are still giving your heart to them and taking from them what was never meant to be yours. I'm not going to go any further in defining it because I feel like God writes His commandments on our hearts and it's not necessary for me to make a list of rules.
But what can we do to destroy the spirit of flirtatiousness? While this is gravely incomplete, I have to ideas.

  1. As a young lady it is my desire to build up my brothers in Christ. This is the exact opposite of flirtatiousness and sows the seeds of Christ's love in the lives of others. Think about it, you were placed in this young man's life for a purpose... you have the power to build him up or destroy him... will you choose to selfishly seek your own desires? I'm guessing that this can work the other way around for any guys that may come across this.

  2. Don't set a standard of preference that your spouse can't live up to. Although this is a perhaps unproven theory, when you show preference (outside of seeking to know God's will but rather for selfish desires) I feel that that sets a standard of your preference which your spouse may never be able to live up to. How this plays out is, he liked her and I can never be as ________ (fill in the blank: skinny as, pretty as, witty as, smart as) her. This does not mean that you can never like anybody till you court and marry but rather that we should not selfishly show preference just because it feels good at the moment.

One of my favorite movie quotes was, "Then cherish her and become the man that she deserves." None of us are perfect, I know that I definitely am not... but we can still begin to cherish our spouse (whether we have an inkling of who that may be or not) and start becoming the person that they deserve.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Second Visit

The Second Visit... not as in an increment of time... but like right after the first. ;) Now ladies, After the first visit, believe it or not, there just might be a second! If, after the first visit, you and your dad scratched him off whatever “list” you may have, thrown the scratched-off name in the fire, and maybe changed your telephone number and moved across the country,.. there just might not be a second visit. However, if the visit involved the young man making your younger siblings laff, and your mother pleased at how he wiped his feet when he came in and liked her cooking so well, and your dad talking for the next two days about how he'd love to go hunting or fishing with the guy... and you can't remember the last time you were so happy... There juuust might be a second visit. So be prepared. And gentlemen, when you know a second visit is imminent and you need to start thinking up another setting or arrangement to be with the girl and her family... But it feels like you are playing a card game in which every time you receive a new card it is white with no figures.. or in other words, you are drawing a blank... Here are a few ideas, tips, and pointers to get you started.AFTER gaining approval of your parents, especially your mother the cook, invite the girl and her family over for a meal. Just... Remind your little siblings that this is NOT a time to play with whoopie cushions. Or pile snow on unsuspecting victims' seats.You might like to offer help with fixing her family's car mechanical problems, but for Mr. Green's sake, don't make it the main focus of a formal visit!! I don't know a huge amount of girls who would find it particularly enticing to lie on her back under the car for half the visit, holding a piece in place while you go search for a tool you need. And if you crawl under and lie under there with her, she might freak out and try to sit up only to hit her head on the underside of the car and go unconscious. Even though it'll give you an excuse to bring her flowers while she's in the hospital, just trust me on this one. Clothes shopping? Don't even think about it. Go to an amusement park with her family. Insist that some of you (including her) go on the scariest roller coaster in the park. Then you can act as her hero who sits there and doesn't get scared and hand her mints to suck on so she won't scream. And perhaps, a blindfold. Of course, if you find yourself screaming and you've run out of mints, assure her it was just to make her feel that she wasn't the only one who likes to take the opportunity to exercise her vocal chords at extremely high pitches. The obvious: Find out what type of thing the lady and her family likes to do. And see when you can join in. Really, how bad can going to the opera be? (As I heard one gentleman say once in response to someone who thought it was boring, “Try singing along! Believe me, that makes it real interesting”) Wear a tie. Like, all the time. Don't worry about a collared shirt or anything besides, just so you're wearing the tie. It'll impress her to see how you strive to be sooo professional around her all the time. If you visit a chocolate factory with her family, believe me, “accidentally” falling into a large container of chocolate isn't the idea. It won't make her think you're the sweetest thing ever. (especially if you fall into the chocolate before it's been sweetened)

Monday, March 21, 2011

How To Pull Off That First Visit

If you haven't already met the girl and/or her family the first visit will likely be awkward. Mainly it's awkward because you don't want to be awkward.

A few things to consider is that only 99% of conservative Dads exercise their 2nd amendment rights. Statistically speaking you aren't likely to get shot. Also, the little kids will probably make awkward comments about the relationship. This is great! At least it wasn't you who said it.

So a couple of fool proof ideas for pulling off the first visit

  • Get a couple of fake tattoos. Nothing screams manly and confident like some tattoos. Naturally these should be fake as you don't want to dump too much money down the drain until you know that this relationship will work out.
  • Pick the most inconvenient flight time. This shows that you actually do things or else you would have arrived at a different time.
  • Ask the Dad for permission to shake her hand upon your arrival. You don't want to take physical liberties without approval.

Overall don't stress the first visit, it will probably turn out worse than you ever imagined. Just don't even hurt those poor brain cells thinking about it. But with some careful thought and preparation you might manage to come back alive.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What comes next?

My dear reader,
Having come this far into our book, you may be wondering what comes next. If you are, it is a good sign as it shows that you are thinking. Because it is very difficult to wonder about something without thinking. If you DID wonder about what comes next without thinking, please notify us by leaving a comment in the comment box and we will give you special recognition for your special talent. Moving right along, let us concern ourselves with the subject at which we were, and perhaps still are, wondering: What comes next? Now this is a deep, deep question/kweshtin. Some might call it metaphysical. Others might call it philosophical. Regardless, it is a profound question indeed. How does one respond to such a question? What should we do about it? By following our simple steps, this is easily solved. Before we begin our first step, we should pause and clear our brains (if you have them... well, YOU probably have them, but I've never seen mine so it's rather difficult to tell whether or not it's there. Though it MUST be there since it seems to always be hurting and stopping working and... ). First, take a deep breath. Secondly, close your eyes. Third, open them again. You have now successfully blinked. Fourth (optional – not tested by author who does not yet know if her brain exists), somehow remove your brain and wash it with your choice brand of dish detergent and then replace it. Fifth, take a nap. Now you may have done that (or not) (or part) thinking that it was an exceedingly long task for mere preparation of a first step to something. You may even have taken note of the enormity of the pre-step and wondered how big the first step might be. If you have done this, congratulations! You have just performed the first step which consists of verifying that you have a brain by wondering about the pre-step. Secondly, you should use the brain that you now know to exist. This is vital to our process. Thirdly, you must recognize that the human brain is, indeed, fallible. Fourthly, you may want to consider sending me chocolate. Not sure how this applies, but it has to somehow. Fifthly, let me explain to you my outstanding knowledge of the brain. I passed the Intro to Psychology CLEP with a 66 after a week and a half of study. This does not mean that I had ever studied Psychology previously. And it does not, by any means, mean that I can remember much of anything that I learned in my study for the test. We should also ignore the fact that most people could probably pass that test with a week or less of study. And that 66 is only my second-highest CLEP score ever. I did get over 300 on a DSST once. But I'm not sure how that applies. Since.. I also got a 33 on a practice test for the American Government CLEP by clicking “C” all the way through. From this, seeing as you have a brain, you can probably make an educated guess at just how idiosyncratic my profound knowledge in Psychology is. Sixthly, seeing as the human brain is fallible, you may want to review what you have read so far (assuming you have read this chapter so far) and refresh your memory on just what these steps are for. I shall do the same. Seventhly, my spell-checker says that “Seventhly” is not a word. But we shall ignore it for now in order to let you know that the next step may have relevance to our beginning question for which these steps have been made. Eighthly, we must realize that this step may not have anything to do with our beginning question for which these steps have been made. Ninthly, we must realize that there are some questions that the human brain cannot answer. There are also questions that the human brain could answer, but particular ones are fallible, if not ignorant in the subject of the question. Tenthly, you must realize that everyone would approach our question differently, and thus I cannot help you.
But back to our original question: What comes next? After careful research in which my co-author and I have taken upon ourselves to answer this question, and much debate and various discussions and much pondering and a large amount of speculation, we have come to the conclusion that...
We forgot.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Physical Boundaries

One of the foundations of a relationship is deciding where you stand on crucial things like physical boundaries. Will you eat out of the same bag of chips on your first "date"? Will you drink out of the same cup when you are engaged? These are legitimate questions that need to be addressed before they become an issue.

A few things to consider as you make your decisions:

1). Since food is the way to a man's heart, you need to be extremely cautious with food. Think about it. You touch the potato chip that he's going to eat. Your hand oils get on it and pretty soon you are on your way to his heart. Okay well... maybe only your hand oils... but still. You should think.

2). You shouldn't just do what seems easiest, but what is right. Yeah... it probably is easier to just share a cup. Less dishes, right? But you have to think. Do I really want to go that far, that quick?

3). Avoid all appearance of evil. If you both reach into the chip bag, people might assume that you are holding hands. So if you decide to both eat out of the same bag, either get a clear one or wait until the other person has grabbed their chips.

Make your standards first, make them your own and hold to them. That's how you'll weather the storms in this chip bag saturated world.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Are you in L-O-V-E?

For each of these that you have done add one

  • made reference to the person you may be in love with more than 5 times in a conversation
  • put said person in your status, more than once
  • set picture of said person as your cell phone or desktop background
  • written about said person in your journal/diary
  • been exceedingly happy when said person comes online
  • decided that said person's hair type/color is your favorite
  • have an endearing nickname for said person
  • think said person is cute
  • doubled the sugar in a recipe because life was sweet and you weren't paying attention
  • you assume that said person's name sounds good with your last name
  • if they are in your profile picture
Take away one if you have done any of these

  • Told the person to marry somebody else
  • Told the person that you view them as a brother/sister - take away two if you did not use the gender appropriate term (i.e. telling her you view her as a brother)
  • sent them unsigned Valentine's
  • referred to them negatively in a status
  • made references to them being a barnyard animal
  • said that you tripped them so that they would fall for you
Scoring is.... add in the first half, subtract in the second, multiply by ten. Then it's like a CLEP... if you got 50 or higher you are in love.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Talking to the Girl

Gentle young man,

Congratulations! You have passed that first, major step in pursuing who might be the girl of your dreams... Approaching any dad about his daughter is definitely more nerve-racking than anything you have ever done (unless you have approached a dad about his daughter before) in your life. I don't care if you've been stranded on an island in the Gulf of Mexico with nothing but a very large shirt, a spork and a very rough large man who seems to think you look like a pork roast, this is worse.

But let me tell you... It only gets worse! NEXT you have to approach the girl!
As soon as you have caught your breath and are sitting down, read the next sentence, but NOT before.
You will not only have to approach her, but you will also have to talk to her. And (ready?) you will want to have her like you. Now if you have followed the instructions in the previous chapter, the girl will have no idea whatsoever that you like her. Unless the dad told her.

Now I know that as a male, you are pretty much fearless. The “island” scenario I gave in the first paragraph probably actually sounded like fun to you. But... If there's anything that can make you nervous, this will. I did imply that this is scary. It will definitely be more scary/nerve-racking for some males than others. But so many things depend on your approaching the girl, how you do it, and how she'll respond.
Let's go through a list of what to and what not to do that first time you approach her. Of course, things will vary depending on the girl and your general style, but generally, these rules hold very true.

Do NOT...

...Bring a dozen roses along next time you know you'll see her at church, and when you give them to her, say “here, Honey..” I promise you, that won't exactly thrill her... at least in the sense you want.

...Call her or even stop by at 5:30 in the morning. Even though that's at least a full 1/2-1 hour after you get up, she just might not appreciate it.

…Invite her to your house to eat sandwiches over the sink with you while you talk.


...Ask her dad when you talk to him when the best time to talk to her would be.

…Dress according to the impression you want to make, and according to the situation. Generally, meeting at a costume party and dressing as a pimple will NOT create the type of impression you want. It won't compel her to squeeze you.

Now for a little pop quiz to test your knowledge. No worries, this will be easy and multiple-choice...

1. If you already know the girl you are pursuing pretty well, when approaching her, you will want to...

(A) Walk up and introduce yourself and ask her what her name is
(B) Speak in an eloquent British-like accent to sound distinguished and romantic and all that goods stuff.
(C)Approach her in a friendly (but not TOO friendly), nonthreatening, unobtrusive manner and begin with light conversation.
(D) Walk over to her, bump her with your elbow and say “Hey, Kid.”

Seeing as I have bothered you with multiple-choices, I shall refrain from imposing multiple questions.

While researching for this chapter, I received and implemented a suggestion from my co-author here: to obtain the views of some of our male friends (YES we have male friendS... emphases on the “S” in friends deliberate). I received a few responses...
The first responder reminded me that males fear nothing.
The second responder inquired whether or not I was attempting to gain personal information from him.
The third responder shared with me his fears that the girl and dad would be goblins who would want to eat him.
After my co-author helped me overcome my fear of the fourth responder and I asked him, he let me know that he would be just nervous. We then commenced in discussing the naming of a mutual friend's turkeys.

So I didn't learn what I thought I would learn, but I certainly did learn something!

Some other ideas shared with me by my co-author:

1). Give her time to fully acclimate to the situation... don't force a decision right away

2). Don't just ask her... make it memorable such as writing a letter that arrives in a bouquet of flowers
or giving her the rest of the bag of potato chips with a note in there asking her

3). Either ask in person or put a really cute picture of you in there... you never know what might be that little thing that makes her say yes.

So overall, my friend, just follow these directions, and you will be on your way to your own successful courtship, faster, for less, for sure!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Are YOU Qualified to Start Courting?

If you are one of those guys that are staring in the mirror asking yourself if you are ready to start courting, then you’ve come to the right place. In the next few minutes you’ll be able to fully evaluate whether this is a step that you can make at this point in time.

1). Have I spoken with, emailed, chatted with, know the name of or have seen the female of interest before? If you can not honestly answer yes to one of these options you probably shouldn’t pursue her yet because I could probably spout off more random facts about the neighborhood’s stray dog than you could about her.

2). Have you experienced her culinary expertise? WHAT? You don’t know what her cooking tastes like? You mean you are just going to up and marry her and then find out that her kitchen is a cardboard factory? Boy… you have a lot to learn before you get chasing girls!

3). Do you know how to match your socks with your shoes? Actually I’m not sure how this applies to the topic at hand, but I’m sure that in the long run you’ll be grateful you took my advice.

4). Do I have a job? Face it girls like to cook. They need stuff to cook and they are going to expect you to work 8-5 everyday of the week just so that they can have some flour to make the biscuits. It’s life. Girls are demanding like that. They want their flour.

5). Do I have a last name? One of the few things that a girl gets out of marriage is a new last name. It’s like you finally get to toss in the old one and try out a new one. So if you don’t have a last name you are seriously depriving her of the fundamental joy of marriage and you should not inflict such pain on her.

If you by any chance feel that you are qualified to start courting, you may feel free to continue reading the upcoming posts on this blog. If you are not qualified please list your name and credit card information in the comment box and you will be entered to win an “unqualified to court” tshirt at your own expense.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Get Past the Shotgun

Every conservative guy knows that before you can win the girl’s heart, you have to win the Dad’s heart.

So first of all, you are going to have to know how to get past the shotgun. There are a couple rules for this.

● If the bodies of previous suitors are still on the porch, DO NOT TRIP OVER THEM. This shows weakness. If you can’t even get to the door without tripping how will you ever take care of his girl?

●DON’T talk to the girl beforehand. That is considered fraternizing with the enemy and is never a smart move. If she catches wind of it you might be facing two shot guns and be sure… no cookies.

●If you don’t know how to locate the girl’s Dad, you are going to have to stalk. Every Father deep down inside wants a Son-In-Law that can stalk. Under no circumstances should you let on to the girl that you are interested.

●Go to the Father. Don’t try to talk about it on the phone. If you aren’t willing to face the shot gun then you are clearly a wimp and not worthy of his daughter. Go whatever distance is necessary and meet the Dad face to face. Even if that means flying to Antartica.

So now that you are well informed on how to approach the Dad. Let’s go over the fundamental “Dad Facts”.

1). Dad’s Like Guys Like You

Yes, deep down inside they really like you. Why? Because clearly if you are wanting to pursue their daughter you have excellent taste! You want the best for your wife and who couldn’t admire that.

2). Dad Doesn’t Really Load His Shotgun

Think about it, ammunition is expensive and since you wouldn’t taste good on a BBQ, he’ll likely save his ammunition for deer or bears or something far more worthy of his ammunition

3). Dad’s Don’t Want To Lose Their Cookie Baker

With that in mind you should try negotiation. Tell him about how you’ve already arranged for cookies to be shipped in. Also assure him that you’ll do your best to have daughters right away that can also help with baking and shipping out cookies. This also applies to other aspects that the particular Dad feels like he may be losing when you take his favorite daughter off into the wild blue yonder.

Bonus Information – How to make girls think you aren’t talking to her Dad

○ Start referring to her as "sister". All girls know that when you start calling her your sister it’s over. You are totally not interested.

○ Never comment on or like anything that she has to say on any social networking site. Whether it’s Buzz or Facebook, make sure to completely ignore her. Unless you want to call her sister in the comment.

○ Never initiate anything. Don’t be the first to call, write an email, or anything. If she’s going to get something from you make sure it wasn’t easy and that you never would have emailed her if she hadn’t emailed first.

Warding Off Potential Suitors

“How to keep away unwanted males”

My dear female friend,

If you are reading this, it is likely that you are very awesome. Thus, it is likely that guys will think you are awesome, too. Unfortunately, not all guys who think you are awesome will be awesome enough for you. In this chapter, we will explore ways to at best, avoid undesirable guys, but also how to ward those guys off, should they venture near.

The methods for guy-avoidance will vary, depending on your specific situation. For example, if you live in an average American city, your methods will be quite different than if you live in an ultra-conservative homeschool area. But on the other hand, if there is an ultra-conservative guy you are attempting to avoid in a city area or vise-verse, you will probably find it necessary to switch techniques.

For city-dwellers:

If you live in the city, you will first, try to move to the country or a less-populated area as soon as possible. It's much safer. But if you can't, here are some rules for avoiding guys you encounter at church, the store, parties, and wherever else you might possibly encounter them.


Ultimately, the best outfit to wear at all guy-encounter times is a green and purple polka-dotted burqa with Wal-mart smiley face stickers stuck in random places on it. Also, wear one of those plastic fake-glasses-and-nose-and-mustache things if you are wearing the type of burqa that allows your eyes to show. Non-Muslim guys probably won't recognize you, and Muslim guys will be appalled.

If you would prefer to not use this method, there are still other ways:

•Dress and act like an overgrown kid. The more spoiled and snooty you act, the better.

•The only makeup you should wear is smudged, dark eyeliner beneath your eyes to give yourself a tired, droopy effect. Then add large dark freckles all over your face, even if you already have real ones.

•Smudge chocolate and cheetos powder all over your face and hands, and even your hair.

•You could also dress attractively in all the best possible ways, and act the awesome you really are; guys will be too intimidated and shy to approach you. And if they do approach you, pretend your phone is ringing, hold up a finger at him, put your phone to your ear and exclaim “OOOOooohhh *__Insert your favorite 'cool guy' name___* !!! You wanted me to go out with your family tonight? How sweet! Really? What are we watching? *sqeal* OOOOHH I LOVE THE BARNEY'S BIRTHDAY VIDEO!!!!!!! Alright... See you tonight!” Then turn back to the guy and say in your best Wal-mart worker voice, “Yes, how may I help you?”


We already covered a bit about actions and how to act to avoid unwanted guys in the previous section, but I assure you, we have barely scratched the surface.

If you are trying to avoid the guys at church:

NEVER EVER sing loud enough for guys to hear you.

In Sunday School or wherever and whenever they take prayer requests, if there are guys present, always ask for prayer for the homeless cats in Iceland, and (optional) that you will be able to avoid single guys since they are all mislead by theories that the Moon isn't really made out of green (or any other color) cheese.

The best way to keep males from approaching you before or after services while you are sitting in your pew is to lean over and let your hair hang around your face and pretend to be praying. Peek through your hair occasionally, and if you see a guy approaching or observing, whimper just loud enough for him to hear, “Please, keep him away, don't let him come near, keep him away,...”

Stay within a radius of 2 ½ feet of your mom. It doesn't work as well with your dad or older brother because this gives guys an excuse to be near you by talking to him.

In desperate situations, hide in the ladies' restroom whenever possible.

If you have female friends at church, form a tight circle and talk. If any guys come near, immediately cease conversation, bend your heads together, and take turns peeking back at him while others whisper, “Eeep! Is he still there? Izzie still there?”

Or, attend some sort of highly segregated church.

At the store:

If you're standing in an aisle selecting goods and a you-know-who comes near, loudly, “WHY can't they just make ONE type of cereal so I don't have to decide which to get EVERY TIME?? I think I'll sue the cereal industry when I'm done with breakfast tomorrow.” even if you aren't in the cereal department.

If you're at the checkout line and a guy lines up behind you, smack your head with your palm and mumble something about forgetting to get caviar for the neighborhood cat, gather your groceries, and quickly walk off towards the pharmacy department.

If you end up with a male cashier and he asks you or says anything beyond what's necessary, pretend to be deaf or really hard of hearing. 'Nuff said.


If a male DOES manage to approach you, have a few of these responses ready..

If he asks for your name, say, “Oh, great.. I ALWAYS forget that one. I'll have to go ask my mom...” If it's obvious your mom isn't around anywhere, instead of leaving to “get” her, pull out your cell phone, call the number of the local pizza place and say, “Hello, is this Roseville Pizza? I'd like to cancel my order.. yes, of the breadsticks and chow mien. But I DO want the double-cheeseburger. Thanks, bye!” Then act like you just remembered the guy is standing there and ask, “what was your question again?” If he actually repeats it, repeat the phrase about asking your mom, pretend to call your mom and talk about some long, boring subject that “your mom brought up before you could ask” and keep going till you're sure the guy will leave immediately after you get off and answer him. If he sticks around for you to answer him.

An easy way out is to suddenly get this pained expression on your face. As soon as you get the chance, or if he asks you what the matter is first, excuse yourself and hurry over to the ladies room.

Hey yeah, uh, have you seen my brother? He's about 6'3”, has dark hair, and looks kinda about the size of those wrestlers you see on TV's on display at Best Buy. A whole lot like my dad.”

Turn tables on him a little... “Oh hi there! It's really awesome of you to come over to me like that... Cuz I was just about to ask you... Well, I'm raising money for a missions trip to South America where I will be training the local natives how to preserve the local animal species. Like aardvarks and penguins. Would you like to donate to my cause today?” When he says no, immediately hang your head, say “thanks anyhoo,” and walk away dejectedly while mumbling something about penguin murderers. If he DOES hand you a little money, excitedly thank him, run over to the nearest female, and squeal, “This is soo awesome! Hey, you want to run to Starbucks with me really quick? Myyyy treat!”


One other aspect we have not yet explored is what to do if a you-know-what attempts to contact your dad... about you! This is a key element to courtships, and even if you manage to keep away all the guys who don't follow courtship rules through methods presented thus far, we still have that issue of when guys we don't particularly like, don't approach US, but they do the better thing and go to our dads. We've worked so hard keeping away all those other guys, and there must be a way to avoid those we don't want who use this method as instead.

Please note that for those living in an ultra-conservative homeschool area, this will be the type of situation you will encounter most frequently. Study this section the hardest.

In all seriousness, the first thing you'll want to do if you catch wind that a guy is trying to contact your dad is to pray about it.

But regardless, if you feel it necessary to find a way to keep him from establishing communication with your dad, we have provided a number of approaches for attempting to at least prevent them from making contact.

Our first approach would be to make one of the two involved males look as negatively charming to the other.

First, if your goal would be to make your father appear as intimidating and frightening as possible to the young male.

One relatively easy way to do this, is to go back to the prayer meeting/circle approach. If the guy is part of any prayer groups you participate in, make requests and prayers for your dad as he “is working hard manual labor jobs and has to lift soo many thousands pounds every day.... he is such a good father, and he needs strength as he continues to keep his family safe, ESPECIALLY his daughters from the obtrusive males,” et cetera.

Second, you should make the young make look as lazy and unfavorable as possible to your dad, while still being truthful.

Comments made at strategic times will have great effect. For we all know, “A word fitly spoken is as apples of gold in pictures of silver”... Just so your dad likes hard, metal apples. You can even create negative connotations behind the guy, merely by bringing up his name every time your dad is upset or in any way unhappy about something. Another great way is to just make it clear to your dad that you don't like him. And, if you can truthfully do so, make all efforts to have your dad think or know that the guy scares you. He will do everything in his power to protect you from him.


In general, there are a few other non-categorized things you should and shouldn't do in your quest to avoid undesirable males.

Never ever let the guy know what type of things you like. For example, if you have a major obsession with paper clips and the guy finds out, he will suddenly become all things paper clips. I personally have promised never to marry a guy for his paper clips, so that aspect of the issue shouldn't be much of a problem for me. But you never know, guys still might try. They are just ignorantly persistent like that.

As mentioned in the introduction to this blog, neither of us courtship bloggers have ever actually been in a courtship. How have we avoided this? Well, we both own lists of 33 reasons why no sane guy would marry us (SO we made them up for each other one night). So you might just want to research our lives and do everything we do. Like have people make lists for you on why no sane guy would want to marry you. Things like that.

So have fun, and go ward of some... you-know-whats! :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Introduction From The Authoress

You may be confused by the title of our "blog book". Maybe you think that we are calling you an idiot for wanting to pursue some one. That was never our intent or desire. Okay, maybe it was. But it isn't anymore.
Our title refers to our lack of knowledge on the subject. Neither of us have ever courted anybody. Due to our extreme lack of experience we can not insure that anything suggested herein will work. It obviously hasn't worked for us. If you try to sue us for emotional damage we have a well trained board of non-existent lawyers that have our back, so don't be stupid.
May the chapters ahead hold wisdom beyond what you ever expected and may you soon hold the love of your life in your arms.