Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Finding Out Her Ring Size

This particular chapter is for the guys.
There comes a time in each young man's life where he is faced with the impending danger of picking the wrong ring size. You see if he buys it too small, he won't be able to get it on her finger. If he buys it too big, he'll be basically implying that she has fat fingers and she won't want to hold hands with him because she'll feel all awkward about her fat fingers. Basically, you can't screw this one up!
So here are my humble suggestions on how to deal with this very difficult subjects:
  • Create a fake letter from the DMV that says that her driver's license will be revoked if she doesn't immediately fill out the paper work - giving her ring size and pictures of her two favorite ring styles. Have it sent to your Grandmother's step son's second cousin twice removed's dog.
  • Set a bounty on her ring size. Create wanted posters and set them around the Church. "WANTED: ________'s Ring Size. The first person to provide positive identifying evidence will be awarded a month's worth of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets."
  • Get her on the trivia. Tell her that you heard that people's ring size is normally the same as their shoe size. She'll either admit it or deny it. Either way, you may get a clue.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Are You Better Off Just Adopting a Puppy? (part one)

After reading this far into our blog book, it would not be unusual for you to begin to wonder... What idiot would ever want to be in a courtship anyways? So you walk away from your computer screen and raid your freezer and construct a towering bowl of ice cream with barbecue chips, or whatever your favorite ice cream topping happens to be, and you jump on your couch and are about to dig in and relish the fact that you don't have any complicated relationships to worry about when...
You realize...You're lonely.
You sit and watch a dribble of green juice from the ripple-sliced dill pickle you had stuck on the top of a scoop of orange sherbert. It just doesn't seem as exciting anymore. The pickle juice droplet reaches the bottom of your sugary tower and hits the bottom of the bowl with a thud, which resembles your feelings at the moment. What fun is an ice cream party if you're the only one there? Maybe this whole courtship thing has something to it after all... I mean, what good is life if you can't even enjoy your ice cream?Before you start considering reconsidering like that, you should consider the consideration that there might be another option out there! If you add a few too many pickles to your ice cream, would a spouse eat it for you? Would he or she lick out the rest of your bowl when you've eaten all you want? Unless you are married to me (which you obviously aren't), the answer would probably be no. But who would? The answer isn't a "who," but an "it."
A puppy, of course!
Let's go over a few advantages of just adopting a puppy instead of a complicated courtship:
If you get annoyed with your puppy and want a quiet time, you can just open the door and sent it outside for awhile. On the other hand, I highly doubt you could get away with sending your wife outside to play with a ball while you break your record on Angry Birds.
When cooking a meal for you and your spouse, you have to concern yourself with concocting something that you both would enjoy, and even though you both like spaghetti and meatballs, it just doesn't work to have it three times a day for your entire marriage (with the exception of Cap'n Crunch as a gourmet dinner every so often). On the other hand, your puppy doesn't care if all he gets is dog kibbles, your 3-week-old leftovers, and your very burnt toast for his entire existence on earth.
At that time when your paycheck gets cut and you can barely afford to eat, instead of dividing your morning's pancake with your spouse, why not just send your puppy out to find a squirrel for himself?
Your puppy is in rebellion. She bites you. She barks all night. She makes messes in the most inconvenient places. So you dealt with it. But then when she chews apart that teddy bear you've slept with since you were three... Bye-bye puppy. Hey... you can always find another!

Valentine's Day Interview

Leah: If you were depressed on Valentines because you are single would you eat chocolate or seaweed or a combination of both?
Esther Mielke: I would probably start out with a handful of chocolate, and then melt a bowlfull more of chocolate and dip seaweed into it.
Leah: ahhh okay...are you depressed about being single?
Esther Mielke: I am not depressed about myself being single... But what does depress me is when I see ads for "Folgers Singles" because they've been around so long, and there are so many of them, and yet they're all single. They even pack several of them in a box at once, and yet they somehow all still remain single. For awhile, I wondered why these poor things were all so single all the time.. And then I tried them. I quickly discovered why they were single.
Leah:That is definitely really sad. If I were depressed about being single and I had a full year till next Valentine's what advice would you give me to make sure the next one isn't the same?Esther Mielke: First of all, don't drink Folger's Singles. On the other hand, if you do drink Folger's Singles in front of a guy, he might feel sorry for you and buy you Starbucks. Then you can thank him every time you see him after that, and always bring up Folger's Singles, emphasizing the "Single" part, and discuss how the two of you are both like Folger's Singles who need to be replaced with one happy mocha frappe. By next Valentine's Day, even if you're not in a relationship yet, you just might be able to count on that guy giving you another Starbucks. On the other hand, if you're like me and not one for trying to attract guys yourself, well... You're just going to have to pray and eat lots of chocolate-dipped seaweed. Which isn't a bad thing! And when guys find out about your awesome tastes, it might attract interest - and you didn't even have to do anything different for it to happen!
Leah: What's awesome about being single?
Esther Mielke: Singleness is a gift. It only comes once in a lifetime. Sometimes it seems that it takes up too much of our lifetime, but how many times have you heard older persons bragging about how they've stayed single for 60 years, and having a party for it? But we do hear about these couples who make a big deal of celebrating that they've reached a certain anniversary of marriage. Why is that? Well, obviously, marriage must be pretty rough. Of course, marriage does have its benefits - but the easiness of singleness only lasts a short time in most cases, but marriage is forever. So let's all go out have have singleness parties! Celebrate the fact that you can mix bacon into your rice krispy treats, and pickles in the ice cream without anyone getting disturbed over it. Go and be awesome. Single.