Thursday, January 20, 2011

Warding Off Potential Suitors

“How to keep away unwanted males”

My dear female friend,

If you are reading this, it is likely that you are very awesome. Thus, it is likely that guys will think you are awesome, too. Unfortunately, not all guys who think you are awesome will be awesome enough for you. In this chapter, we will explore ways to at best, avoid undesirable guys, but also how to ward those guys off, should they venture near.

The methods for guy-avoidance will vary, depending on your specific situation. For example, if you live in an average American city, your methods will be quite different than if you live in an ultra-conservative homeschool area. But on the other hand, if there is an ultra-conservative guy you are attempting to avoid in a city area or vise-verse, you will probably find it necessary to switch techniques.

For city-dwellers:

If you live in the city, you will first, try to move to the country or a less-populated area as soon as possible. It's much safer. But if you can't, here are some rules for avoiding guys you encounter at church, the store, parties, and wherever else you might possibly encounter them.


Ultimately, the best outfit to wear at all guy-encounter times is a green and purple polka-dotted burqa with Wal-mart smiley face stickers stuck in random places on it. Also, wear one of those plastic fake-glasses-and-nose-and-mustache things if you are wearing the type of burqa that allows your eyes to show. Non-Muslim guys probably won't recognize you, and Muslim guys will be appalled.

If you would prefer to not use this method, there are still other ways:

•Dress and act like an overgrown kid. The more spoiled and snooty you act, the better.

•The only makeup you should wear is smudged, dark eyeliner beneath your eyes to give yourself a tired, droopy effect. Then add large dark freckles all over your face, even if you already have real ones.

•Smudge chocolate and cheetos powder all over your face and hands, and even your hair.

•You could also dress attractively in all the best possible ways, and act the awesome you really are; guys will be too intimidated and shy to approach you. And if they do approach you, pretend your phone is ringing, hold up a finger at him, put your phone to your ear and exclaim “OOOOooohhh *__Insert your favorite 'cool guy' name___* !!! You wanted me to go out with your family tonight? How sweet! Really? What are we watching? *sqeal* OOOOHH I LOVE THE BARNEY'S BIRTHDAY VIDEO!!!!!!! Alright... See you tonight!” Then turn back to the guy and say in your best Wal-mart worker voice, “Yes, how may I help you?”


We already covered a bit about actions and how to act to avoid unwanted guys in the previous section, but I assure you, we have barely scratched the surface.

If you are trying to avoid the guys at church:

NEVER EVER sing loud enough for guys to hear you.

In Sunday School or wherever and whenever they take prayer requests, if there are guys present, always ask for prayer for the homeless cats in Iceland, and (optional) that you will be able to avoid single guys since they are all mislead by theories that the Moon isn't really made out of green (or any other color) cheese.

The best way to keep males from approaching you before or after services while you are sitting in your pew is to lean over and let your hair hang around your face and pretend to be praying. Peek through your hair occasionally, and if you see a guy approaching or observing, whimper just loud enough for him to hear, “Please, keep him away, don't let him come near, keep him away,...”

Stay within a radius of 2 ½ feet of your mom. It doesn't work as well with your dad or older brother because this gives guys an excuse to be near you by talking to him.

In desperate situations, hide in the ladies' restroom whenever possible.

If you have female friends at church, form a tight circle and talk. If any guys come near, immediately cease conversation, bend your heads together, and take turns peeking back at him while others whisper, “Eeep! Is he still there? Izzie still there?”

Or, attend some sort of highly segregated church.

At the store:

If you're standing in an aisle selecting goods and a you-know-who comes near, loudly, “WHY can't they just make ONE type of cereal so I don't have to decide which to get EVERY TIME?? I think I'll sue the cereal industry when I'm done with breakfast tomorrow.” even if you aren't in the cereal department.

If you're at the checkout line and a guy lines up behind you, smack your head with your palm and mumble something about forgetting to get caviar for the neighborhood cat, gather your groceries, and quickly walk off towards the pharmacy department.

If you end up with a male cashier and he asks you or says anything beyond what's necessary, pretend to be deaf or really hard of hearing. 'Nuff said.


If a male DOES manage to approach you, have a few of these responses ready..

If he asks for your name, say, “Oh, great.. I ALWAYS forget that one. I'll have to go ask my mom...” If it's obvious your mom isn't around anywhere, instead of leaving to “get” her, pull out your cell phone, call the number of the local pizza place and say, “Hello, is this Roseville Pizza? I'd like to cancel my order.. yes, of the breadsticks and chow mien. But I DO want the double-cheeseburger. Thanks, bye!” Then act like you just remembered the guy is standing there and ask, “what was your question again?” If he actually repeats it, repeat the phrase about asking your mom, pretend to call your mom and talk about some long, boring subject that “your mom brought up before you could ask” and keep going till you're sure the guy will leave immediately after you get off and answer him. If he sticks around for you to answer him.

An easy way out is to suddenly get this pained expression on your face. As soon as you get the chance, or if he asks you what the matter is first, excuse yourself and hurry over to the ladies room.

Hey yeah, uh, have you seen my brother? He's about 6'3”, has dark hair, and looks kinda about the size of those wrestlers you see on TV's on display at Best Buy. A whole lot like my dad.”

Turn tables on him a little... “Oh hi there! It's really awesome of you to come over to me like that... Cuz I was just about to ask you... Well, I'm raising money for a missions trip to South America where I will be training the local natives how to preserve the local animal species. Like aardvarks and penguins. Would you like to donate to my cause today?” When he says no, immediately hang your head, say “thanks anyhoo,” and walk away dejectedly while mumbling something about penguin murderers. If he DOES hand you a little money, excitedly thank him, run over to the nearest female, and squeal, “This is soo awesome! Hey, you want to run to Starbucks with me really quick? Myyyy treat!”


One other aspect we have not yet explored is what to do if a you-know-what attempts to contact your dad... about you! This is a key element to courtships, and even if you manage to keep away all the guys who don't follow courtship rules through methods presented thus far, we still have that issue of when guys we don't particularly like, don't approach US, but they do the better thing and go to our dads. We've worked so hard keeping away all those other guys, and there must be a way to avoid those we don't want who use this method as instead.

Please note that for those living in an ultra-conservative homeschool area, this will be the type of situation you will encounter most frequently. Study this section the hardest.

In all seriousness, the first thing you'll want to do if you catch wind that a guy is trying to contact your dad is to pray about it.

But regardless, if you feel it necessary to find a way to keep him from establishing communication with your dad, we have provided a number of approaches for attempting to at least prevent them from making contact.

Our first approach would be to make one of the two involved males look as negatively charming to the other.

First, if your goal would be to make your father appear as intimidating and frightening as possible to the young male.

One relatively easy way to do this, is to go back to the prayer meeting/circle approach. If the guy is part of any prayer groups you participate in, make requests and prayers for your dad as he “is working hard manual labor jobs and has to lift soo many thousands pounds every day.... he is such a good father, and he needs strength as he continues to keep his family safe, ESPECIALLY his daughters from the obtrusive males,” et cetera.

Second, you should make the young make look as lazy and unfavorable as possible to your dad, while still being truthful.

Comments made at strategic times will have great effect. For we all know, “A word fitly spoken is as apples of gold in pictures of silver”... Just so your dad likes hard, metal apples. You can even create negative connotations behind the guy, merely by bringing up his name every time your dad is upset or in any way unhappy about something. Another great way is to just make it clear to your dad that you don't like him. And, if you can truthfully do so, make all efforts to have your dad think or know that the guy scares you. He will do everything in his power to protect you from him.


In general, there are a few other non-categorized things you should and shouldn't do in your quest to avoid undesirable males.

Never ever let the guy know what type of things you like. For example, if you have a major obsession with paper clips and the guy finds out, he will suddenly become all things paper clips. I personally have promised never to marry a guy for his paper clips, so that aspect of the issue shouldn't be much of a problem for me. But you never know, guys still might try. They are just ignorantly persistent like that.

As mentioned in the introduction to this blog, neither of us courtship bloggers have ever actually been in a courtship. How have we avoided this? Well, we both own lists of 33 reasons why no sane guy would marry us (SO we made them up for each other one night). So you might just want to research our lives and do everything we do. Like have people make lists for you on why no sane guy would want to marry you. Things like that.

So have fun, and go ward of some... you-know-whats! :)

No comments:

Post a Comment