Monday, March 21, 2011

How To Pull Off That First Visit

If you haven't already met the girl and/or her family the first visit will likely be awkward. Mainly it's awkward because you don't want to be awkward.

A few things to consider is that only 99% of conservative Dads exercise their 2nd amendment rights. Statistically speaking you aren't likely to get shot. Also, the little kids will probably make awkward comments about the relationship. This is great! At least it wasn't you who said it.

So a couple of fool proof ideas for pulling off the first visit

  • Get a couple of fake tattoos. Nothing screams manly and confident like some tattoos. Naturally these should be fake as you don't want to dump too much money down the drain until you know that this relationship will work out.
  • Pick the most inconvenient flight time. This shows that you actually do things or else you would have arrived at a different time.
  • Ask the Dad for permission to shake her hand upon your arrival. You don't want to take physical liberties without approval.

Overall don't stress the first visit, it will probably turn out worse than you ever imagined. Just don't even hurt those poor brain cells thinking about it. But with some careful thought and preparation you might manage to come back alive.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What comes next?

My dear reader,
Having come this far into our book, you may be wondering what comes next. If you are, it is a good sign as it shows that you are thinking. Because it is very difficult to wonder about something without thinking. If you DID wonder about what comes next without thinking, please notify us by leaving a comment in the comment box and we will give you special recognition for your special talent. Moving right along, let us concern ourselves with the subject at which we were, and perhaps still are, wondering: What comes next? Now this is a deep, deep question/kweshtin. Some might call it metaphysical. Others might call it philosophical. Regardless, it is a profound question indeed. How does one respond to such a question? What should we do about it? By following our simple steps, this is easily solved. Before we begin our first step, we should pause and clear our brains (if you have them... well, YOU probably have them, but I've never seen mine so it's rather difficult to tell whether or not it's there. Though it MUST be there since it seems to always be hurting and stopping working and... ). First, take a deep breath. Secondly, close your eyes. Third, open them again. You have now successfully blinked. Fourth (optional – not tested by author who does not yet know if her brain exists), somehow remove your brain and wash it with your choice brand of dish detergent and then replace it. Fifth, take a nap. Now you may have done that (or not) (or part) thinking that it was an exceedingly long task for mere preparation of a first step to something. You may even have taken note of the enormity of the pre-step and wondered how big the first step might be. If you have done this, congratulations! You have just performed the first step which consists of verifying that you have a brain by wondering about the pre-step. Secondly, you should use the brain that you now know to exist. This is vital to our process. Thirdly, you must recognize that the human brain is, indeed, fallible. Fourthly, you may want to consider sending me chocolate. Not sure how this applies, but it has to somehow. Fifthly, let me explain to you my outstanding knowledge of the brain. I passed the Intro to Psychology CLEP with a 66 after a week and a half of study. This does not mean that I had ever studied Psychology previously. And it does not, by any means, mean that I can remember much of anything that I learned in my study for the test. We should also ignore the fact that most people could probably pass that test with a week or less of study. And that 66 is only my second-highest CLEP score ever. I did get over 300 on a DSST once. But I'm not sure how that applies. Since.. I also got a 33 on a practice test for the American Government CLEP by clicking “C” all the way through. From this, seeing as you have a brain, you can probably make an educated guess at just how idiosyncratic my profound knowledge in Psychology is. Sixthly, seeing as the human brain is fallible, you may want to review what you have read so far (assuming you have read this chapter so far) and refresh your memory on just what these steps are for. I shall do the same. Seventhly, my spell-checker says that “Seventhly” is not a word. But we shall ignore it for now in order to let you know that the next step may have relevance to our beginning question for which these steps have been made. Eighthly, we must realize that this step may not have anything to do with our beginning question for which these steps have been made. Ninthly, we must realize that there are some questions that the human brain cannot answer. There are also questions that the human brain could answer, but particular ones are fallible, if not ignorant in the subject of the question. Tenthly, you must realize that everyone would approach our question differently, and thus I cannot help you.
But back to our original question: What comes next? After careful research in which my co-author and I have taken upon ourselves to answer this question, and much debate and various discussions and much pondering and a large amount of speculation, we have come to the conclusion that...
We forgot.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Physical Boundaries

One of the foundations of a relationship is deciding where you stand on crucial things like physical boundaries. Will you eat out of the same bag of chips on your first "date"? Will you drink out of the same cup when you are engaged? These are legitimate questions that need to be addressed before they become an issue.

A few things to consider as you make your decisions:

1). Since food is the way to a man's heart, you need to be extremely cautious with food. Think about it. You touch the potato chip that he's going to eat. Your hand oils get on it and pretty soon you are on your way to his heart. Okay well... maybe only your hand oils... but still. You should think.

2). You shouldn't just do what seems easiest, but what is right. Yeah... it probably is easier to just share a cup. Less dishes, right? But you have to think. Do I really want to go that far, that quick?

3). Avoid all appearance of evil. If you both reach into the chip bag, people might assume that you are holding hands. So if you decide to both eat out of the same bag, either get a clear one or wait until the other person has grabbed their chips.

Make your standards first, make them your own and hold to them. That's how you'll weather the storms in this chip bag saturated world.