Saturday, January 22, 2011

Are YOU Qualified to Start Courting?

If you are one of those guys that are staring in the mirror asking yourself if you are ready to start courting, then you’ve come to the right place. In the next few minutes you’ll be able to fully evaluate whether this is a step that you can make at this point in time.

1). Have I spoken with, emailed, chatted with, know the name of or have seen the female of interest before? If you can not honestly answer yes to one of these options you probably shouldn’t pursue her yet because I could probably spout off more random facts about the neighborhood’s stray dog than you could about her.

2). Have you experienced her culinary expertise? WHAT? You don’t know what her cooking tastes like? You mean you are just going to up and marry her and then find out that her kitchen is a cardboard factory? Boy… you have a lot to learn before you get chasing girls!

3). Do you know how to match your socks with your shoes? Actually I’m not sure how this applies to the topic at hand, but I’m sure that in the long run you’ll be grateful you took my advice.

4). Do I have a job? Face it girls like to cook. They need stuff to cook and they are going to expect you to work 8-5 everyday of the week just so that they can have some flour to make the biscuits. It’s life. Girls are demanding like that. They want their flour.

5). Do I have a last name? One of the few things that a girl gets out of marriage is a new last name. It’s like you finally get to toss in the old one and try out a new one. So if you don’t have a last name you are seriously depriving her of the fundamental joy of marriage and you should not inflict such pain on her.

If you by any chance feel that you are qualified to start courting, you may feel free to continue reading the upcoming posts on this blog. If you are not qualified please list your name and credit card information in the comment box and you will be entered to win an “unqualified to court” tshirt at your own expense.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Get Past the Shotgun

Every conservative guy knows that before you can win the girl’s heart, you have to win the Dad’s heart.

So first of all, you are going to have to know how to get past the shotgun. There are a couple rules for this.

● If the bodies of previous suitors are still on the porch, DO NOT TRIP OVER THEM. This shows weakness. If you can’t even get to the door without tripping how will you ever take care of his girl?

●DON’T talk to the girl beforehand. That is considered fraternizing with the enemy and is never a smart move. If she catches wind of it you might be facing two shot guns and be sure… no cookies.

●If you don’t know how to locate the girl’s Dad, you are going to have to stalk. Every Father deep down inside wants a Son-In-Law that can stalk. Under no circumstances should you let on to the girl that you are interested.

●Go to the Father. Don’t try to talk about it on the phone. If you aren’t willing to face the shot gun then you are clearly a wimp and not worthy of his daughter. Go whatever distance is necessary and meet the Dad face to face. Even if that means flying to Antartica.

So now that you are well informed on how to approach the Dad. Let’s go over the fundamental “Dad Facts”.

1). Dad’s Like Guys Like You

Yes, deep down inside they really like you. Why? Because clearly if you are wanting to pursue their daughter you have excellent taste! You want the best for your wife and who couldn’t admire that.

2). Dad Doesn’t Really Load His Shotgun

Think about it, ammunition is expensive and since you wouldn’t taste good on a BBQ, he’ll likely save his ammunition for deer or bears or something far more worthy of his ammunition

3). Dad’s Don’t Want To Lose Their Cookie Baker

With that in mind you should try negotiation. Tell him about how you’ve already arranged for cookies to be shipped in. Also assure him that you’ll do your best to have daughters right away that can also help with baking and shipping out cookies. This also applies to other aspects that the particular Dad feels like he may be losing when you take his favorite daughter off into the wild blue yonder.

Bonus Information – How to make girls think you aren’t talking to her Dad

○ Start referring to her as "sister". All girls know that when you start calling her your sister it’s over. You are totally not interested.

○ Never comment on or like anything that she has to say on any social networking site. Whether it’s Buzz or Facebook, make sure to completely ignore her. Unless you want to call her sister in the comment.

○ Never initiate anything. Don’t be the first to call, write an email, or anything. If she’s going to get something from you make sure it wasn’t easy and that you never would have emailed her if she hadn’t emailed first.

Warding Off Potential Suitors

“How to keep away unwanted males”

My dear female friend,

If you are reading this, it is likely that you are very awesome. Thus, it is likely that guys will think you are awesome, too. Unfortunately, not all guys who think you are awesome will be awesome enough for you. In this chapter, we will explore ways to at best, avoid undesirable guys, but also how to ward those guys off, should they venture near.

The methods for guy-avoidance will vary, depending on your specific situation. For example, if you live in an average American city, your methods will be quite different than if you live in an ultra-conservative homeschool area. But on the other hand, if there is an ultra-conservative guy you are attempting to avoid in a city area or vise-verse, you will probably find it necessary to switch techniques.

For city-dwellers:

If you live in the city, you will first, try to move to the country or a less-populated area as soon as possible. It's much safer. But if you can't, here are some rules for avoiding guys you encounter at church, the store, parties, and wherever else you might possibly encounter them.


Ultimately, the best outfit to wear at all guy-encounter times is a green and purple polka-dotted burqa with Wal-mart smiley face stickers stuck in random places on it. Also, wear one of those plastic fake-glasses-and-nose-and-mustache things if you are wearing the type of burqa that allows your eyes to show. Non-Muslim guys probably won't recognize you, and Muslim guys will be appalled.

If you would prefer to not use this method, there are still other ways:

•Dress and act like an overgrown kid. The more spoiled and snooty you act, the better.

•The only makeup you should wear is smudged, dark eyeliner beneath your eyes to give yourself a tired, droopy effect. Then add large dark freckles all over your face, even if you already have real ones.

•Smudge chocolate and cheetos powder all over your face and hands, and even your hair.

•You could also dress attractively in all the best possible ways, and act the awesome you really are; guys will be too intimidated and shy to approach you. And if they do approach you, pretend your phone is ringing, hold up a finger at him, put your phone to your ear and exclaim “OOOOooohhh *__Insert your favorite 'cool guy' name___* !!! You wanted me to go out with your family tonight? How sweet! Really? What are we watching? *sqeal* OOOOHH I LOVE THE BARNEY'S BIRTHDAY VIDEO!!!!!!! Alright... See you tonight!” Then turn back to the guy and say in your best Wal-mart worker voice, “Yes, how may I help you?”


We already covered a bit about actions and how to act to avoid unwanted guys in the previous section, but I assure you, we have barely scratched the surface.

If you are trying to avoid the guys at church:

NEVER EVER sing loud enough for guys to hear you.

In Sunday School or wherever and whenever they take prayer requests, if there are guys present, always ask for prayer for the homeless cats in Iceland, and (optional) that you will be able to avoid single guys since they are all mislead by theories that the Moon isn't really made out of green (or any other color) cheese.

The best way to keep males from approaching you before or after services while you are sitting in your pew is to lean over and let your hair hang around your face and pretend to be praying. Peek through your hair occasionally, and if you see a guy approaching or observing, whimper just loud enough for him to hear, “Please, keep him away, don't let him come near, keep him away,...”

Stay within a radius of 2 ½ feet of your mom. It doesn't work as well with your dad or older brother because this gives guys an excuse to be near you by talking to him.

In desperate situations, hide in the ladies' restroom whenever possible.

If you have female friends at church, form a tight circle and talk. If any guys come near, immediately cease conversation, bend your heads together, and take turns peeking back at him while others whisper, “Eeep! Is he still there? Izzie still there?”

Or, attend some sort of highly segregated church.

At the store:

If you're standing in an aisle selecting goods and a you-know-who comes near, loudly, “WHY can't they just make ONE type of cereal so I don't have to decide which to get EVERY TIME?? I think I'll sue the cereal industry when I'm done with breakfast tomorrow.” even if you aren't in the cereal department.

If you're at the checkout line and a guy lines up behind you, smack your head with your palm and mumble something about forgetting to get caviar for the neighborhood cat, gather your groceries, and quickly walk off towards the pharmacy department.

If you end up with a male cashier and he asks you or says anything beyond what's necessary, pretend to be deaf or really hard of hearing. 'Nuff said.


If a male DOES manage to approach you, have a few of these responses ready..

If he asks for your name, say, “Oh, great.. I ALWAYS forget that one. I'll have to go ask my mom...” If it's obvious your mom isn't around anywhere, instead of leaving to “get” her, pull out your cell phone, call the number of the local pizza place and say, “Hello, is this Roseville Pizza? I'd like to cancel my order.. yes, of the breadsticks and chow mien. But I DO want the double-cheeseburger. Thanks, bye!” Then act like you just remembered the guy is standing there and ask, “what was your question again?” If he actually repeats it, repeat the phrase about asking your mom, pretend to call your mom and talk about some long, boring subject that “your mom brought up before you could ask” and keep going till you're sure the guy will leave immediately after you get off and answer him. If he sticks around for you to answer him.

An easy way out is to suddenly get this pained expression on your face. As soon as you get the chance, or if he asks you what the matter is first, excuse yourself and hurry over to the ladies room.

Hey yeah, uh, have you seen my brother? He's about 6'3”, has dark hair, and looks kinda about the size of those wrestlers you see on TV's on display at Best Buy. A whole lot like my dad.”

Turn tables on him a little... “Oh hi there! It's really awesome of you to come over to me like that... Cuz I was just about to ask you... Well, I'm raising money for a missions trip to South America where I will be training the local natives how to preserve the local animal species. Like aardvarks and penguins. Would you like to donate to my cause today?” When he says no, immediately hang your head, say “thanks anyhoo,” and walk away dejectedly while mumbling something about penguin murderers. If he DOES hand you a little money, excitedly thank him, run over to the nearest female, and squeal, “This is soo awesome! Hey, you want to run to Starbucks with me really quick? Myyyy treat!”


One other aspect we have not yet explored is what to do if a you-know-what attempts to contact your dad... about you! This is a key element to courtships, and even if you manage to keep away all the guys who don't follow courtship rules through methods presented thus far, we still have that issue of when guys we don't particularly like, don't approach US, but they do the better thing and go to our dads. We've worked so hard keeping away all those other guys, and there must be a way to avoid those we don't want who use this method as instead.

Please note that for those living in an ultra-conservative homeschool area, this will be the type of situation you will encounter most frequently. Study this section the hardest.

In all seriousness, the first thing you'll want to do if you catch wind that a guy is trying to contact your dad is to pray about it.

But regardless, if you feel it necessary to find a way to keep him from establishing communication with your dad, we have provided a number of approaches for attempting to at least prevent them from making contact.

Our first approach would be to make one of the two involved males look as negatively charming to the other.

First, if your goal would be to make your father appear as intimidating and frightening as possible to the young male.

One relatively easy way to do this, is to go back to the prayer meeting/circle approach. If the guy is part of any prayer groups you participate in, make requests and prayers for your dad as he “is working hard manual labor jobs and has to lift soo many thousands pounds every day.... he is such a good father, and he needs strength as he continues to keep his family safe, ESPECIALLY his daughters from the obtrusive males,” et cetera.

Second, you should make the young make look as lazy and unfavorable as possible to your dad, while still being truthful.

Comments made at strategic times will have great effect. For we all know, “A word fitly spoken is as apples of gold in pictures of silver”... Just so your dad likes hard, metal apples. You can even create negative connotations behind the guy, merely by bringing up his name every time your dad is upset or in any way unhappy about something. Another great way is to just make it clear to your dad that you don't like him. And, if you can truthfully do so, make all efforts to have your dad think or know that the guy scares you. He will do everything in his power to protect you from him.


In general, there are a few other non-categorized things you should and shouldn't do in your quest to avoid undesirable males.

Never ever let the guy know what type of things you like. For example, if you have a major obsession with paper clips and the guy finds out, he will suddenly become all things paper clips. I personally have promised never to marry a guy for his paper clips, so that aspect of the issue shouldn't be much of a problem for me. But you never know, guys still might try. They are just ignorantly persistent like that.

As mentioned in the introduction to this blog, neither of us courtship bloggers have ever actually been in a courtship. How have we avoided this? Well, we both own lists of 33 reasons why no sane guy would marry us (SO we made them up for each other one night). So you might just want to research our lives and do everything we do. Like have people make lists for you on why no sane guy would want to marry you. Things like that.

So have fun, and go ward of some... you-know-whats! :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Introduction From The Authoress

You may be confused by the title of our "blog book". Maybe you think that we are calling you an idiot for wanting to pursue some one. That was never our intent or desire. Okay, maybe it was. But it isn't anymore.
Our title refers to our lack of knowledge on the subject. Neither of us have ever courted anybody. Due to our extreme lack of experience we can not insure that anything suggested herein will work. It obviously hasn't worked for us. If you try to sue us for emotional damage we have a well trained board of non-existent lawyers that have our back, so don't be stupid.
May the chapters ahead hold wisdom beyond what you ever expected and may you soon hold the love of your life in your arms.