11.5 Reasons Why He/She Might Not Be The One For You

1). He/She doesn't know your name. You may know everything about the, but if they can't remember your name, it might be time to reconsider.
2). He/She lives 12 time zones away and everyone involved is terrified of flying.
3). He/She lost their leg in 'Nam. (whereas you weren't even around for Reaganomics)
4). He/She is already married. (Check! Cause all the good ones are taken.)
5). His average annual income can only be divided by itself and zero.
6). His/Her parents were wolves. (and you can never seem to get a hold of them on a full moon)
7). He can't make eye contact through the renaissance fair armour suit he wears anytime he's out of the house.
8). All fourteen of his/her apartment mates agree he/she's the best at halo
9). They can't think of any more legitimate reasons than eight
10). They hope that no one notices that they filled up all the remaining reasons by making a nazi joke and/or a axe murderer joke
11). He/She is an axe murderer
11.5). If by "axe murderer" you meant "some sort of slaughterhouse employee" then by all means go for it. (I bet you did nazi this one coming for the "half")
~Courtesy of Karsten

Question from the Audience #1

What to do when the one you love... doesn't love you back....

While this can be painful, there are essentially 5 possible solutions. So don't lose heart.

In order to help you better understand these I will be naming them after coffee drinks....

There is the Caramel Machiatio Approach

Essentially just like it is most likely God's will for me to have a Caramel Machiattio today it is also likely that this is the one for you and they just have not noticed your amazing characteristics. In which case it would be a good idea for you to hire a marketing team to create a pamphlet highlighting your strong points and send a box of them to the person you are interested. Because we all know that God normally reveals His will to people through pamphlets.

There is also the Folger's Approach

You know how Folger's is incredibly annoying and yet some people actually drink it? Well, you can just sit back and figure that no matter how annoying you are... somebody is bound to marry you. During this time it would be a good idea to liken yourself to Folger's coffee in every aspect possible. Appear to be worthless and annoying and overall distasteful.

There is also the Espresso Approach

The Expresso Approach basically implies that everything goes so fast that she doesn't have a chance to tell you otherwise. If you don't let her have a word in edgewise she likely won't tell you no. This requires Speed Speaking Skills. For more information on how you can develop your Speed Speaking Skills contact either your local McDonald's manager or your three year old brother. I really don't care because probably neither of them have the answer.

There is also the Sugar and Cream Approach

Simply act so sweet that she can't resist you. Say nice things like, Your hair reminds me of my favorite spaghetti dinner. Use every charm in the book... you know the ones about showing up uninvited to share the other half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

The Black Coffee Approach

Give it to her straight. Set her down and don't water a thing down. Tell her all the reasons why she should marry you. Of course you'll actually have to have reasons for her to marry you which can be hard to come up with at times. But I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually.

Disclaimer: None of these are tried and true approaches. They are simply suggestions. We will not be held liable for any rotten tomato throwing, broken noses, insults, or any other damage that may occur after following any of these approaches.

Thank You!

Thank you all for your amazing ideas! We'll be sure to incorporate these into future blogposts.

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for...

the winner is....

KARSTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please stay tuned for a guest post by Karsten.