Romantic Figs and Courtship Kindergarten

Well, in honor of it being exactly one year since we've last posted, here's a post to kick us off to another year of who-knows-what!

As an update, one of us isn't exactly an idiot regarding courtship anymore – I'll let you interpret what that means (Side note from the "one of us"... I think it might be courtship kindergarten... I haven't graduated yet). ;) As for me, I'm still happily ignorant, so here we go!

Top 10 Romantic Figs (Figs being the courtship version of dates)

1. Take her and her sister (your chaperone) out in a leaky wooden boat in a mucky pond. Then when it starts to sink, you can be the hero, saving the damsels in distress from the icky pond
2. Take her out to watch the big game.... in the TV section at Best Buy.
3. Rent out a private magic show theater, and then volunteer her... FOR EVERY SINGLE MAGIC TRICK.
4. Stuff your pockets full of quarters and take her for a ride in the cool kiddie cars in the grocery store. If you have leftover change from that, maybe the two of you could even split a package of frosted animal crackers from the vending machine!
5. Take her to a concert by your favorite artist in your local park!.Just find an empty park bench, whip out your MP3 player, and share an earbud with her. Of course, since your chaperone should listen in too, you should try to find a set of earphones that includes three earbuds. Not sure where you'll find one of those, but hey, you're the one who was looking for ideas!
6. Go to church with her. Afterward, take your Bible and read select passages from “Song of Solomon.” This will be sure to lead to an interesting discussion. “Did you just call me a goat?”
7. Go out to eat. At McDonald's. And let her have your toy from your Happy Meal.
8. All females like things that last, right? Take her to the craft supplies store and let her pick out a dozen of the fake flowers. You can even let her choose a bottle of her favorite air freshener and spray it on the flowers.
9. Sweets for the sweet! Take her to the gumball and candy machines at the store's entrance and divide up a handful of quarters, and have at it!
10. Have it her way. Tell her that since you care so much that she have a great time, she should choose where to go. Just... be sure to remind her of your budget. You wouldn't believe how fast all 10 bucks goes when you're having a simply amazing time with your love.   

Finding Out Her Ring Size

This particular chapter is for the guys.
There comes a time in each young man's life where he is faced with the impending danger of picking the wrong ring size. You see if he buys it too small, he won't be able to get it on her finger. If he buys it too big, he'll be basically implying that she has fat fingers and she won't want to hold hands with him because she'll feel all awkward about her fat fingers. Basically, you can't screw this one up!
So here are my humble suggestions on how to deal with this very difficult subjects:

• Create a fake letter from the DMV that says that her driver's license will be revoked if she doesn't immediately fill out the paper work - giving her ring size and pictures of her two favorite ring styles. Have it sent to your Grandmother's step son's second cousin twice removed's dog.
• Set a bounty on her ring size. Create wanted posters and set them around the Church. "WANTED: ________'s Ring Size. The first person to provide positive identifying evidence will be awarded a month's worth of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets."
• Get her on the trivia. Tell her that you heard that people's ring size is normally the same as their shoe size. She'll either admit it or deny it. Either way, you may get a clue.

Are You Better Off Just Adopting a Puppy? (part one)

After reading this far into our blog book, it would not be unusual for you to begin to wonder... What idiot would ever want to be in a courtship anyways? So you walk away from your computer screen and raid your freezer and construct a towering bowl of ice cream with barbecue chips, or whatever your favorite ice cream topping happens to be, and you jump on your couch and are about to dig in and relish the fact that you don't have any complicated relationships to worry about when...
You realize...You're lonely.
You sit and watch a dribble of green juice from the ripple-sliced dill pickle you had stuck on the top of a scoop of orange sherbert. It just doesn't seem as exciting anymore. The pickle juice droplet reaches the bottom of your sugary tower and hits the bottom of the bowl with a thud, which resembles your feelings at the moment. What fun is an ice cream party if you're the only one there? Maybe this whole courtship thing has something to it after all... I mean, what good is life if you can't even enjoy your ice cream?Before you start considering reconsidering like that, you should consider the consideration that there might be another option out there! If you add a few too many pickles to your ice cream, would a spouse eat it for you? Would he or she lick out the rest of your bowl when you've eaten all you want? Unless you are married to me (which you obviously aren't), the answer would probably be no. But who would? The answer isn't a "who," but an "it."
A puppy, of course!
Let's go over a few advantages of just adopting a puppy instead of a complicated courtship:
If you get annoyed with your puppy and want a quiet time, you can just open the door and sent it outside for awhile. On the other hand, I highly doubt you could get away with sending your wife outside to play with a ball while you break your record on Angry Birds.
When cooking a meal for you and your spouse, you have to concern yourself with concocting something that you both would enjoy, and even though you both like spaghetti and meatballs, it just doesn't work to have it three times a day for your entire marriage (with the exception of Cap'n Crunch as a gourmet dinner every so often). On the other hand, your puppy doesn't care if all he gets is dog kibbles, your 3-week-old leftovers, and your very burnt toast for his entire existence on earth.
At that time when your paycheck gets cut and you can barely afford to eat, instead of dividing your morning's pancake with your spouse, why not just send your puppy out to find a squirrel for himself?
Your puppy is in rebellion. She bites you. She barks all night. She makes messes in the most inconvenient places. So you dealt with it. But then when she chews apart that teddy bear you've slept with since you were three... Bye-bye puppy. Hey... you can always find another!

Valentine's Day Interview

Leah: If you were depressed on Valentines because you are single would you eat chocolate or seaweed or a combination of both?
Esther Mielke: I would probably start out with a handful of chocolate, and then melt a bowlfull more of chocolate and dip seaweed into it.
Leah: ahhh okay...are you depressed about being single?
Esther Mielke: I am not depressed about myself being single... But what does depress me is when I see ads for "Folgers Singles" because they've been around so long, and there are so many of them, and yet they're all single. They even pack several of them in a box at once, and yet they somehow all still remain single. For awhile, I wondered why these poor things were all so single all the time.. And then I tried them. I quickly discovered why they were single.
Leah:That is definitely really sad. If I were depressed about being single and I had a full year till next Valentine's what advice would you give me to make sure the next one isn't the same?Esther Mielke: First of all, don't drink Folger's Singles. On the other hand, if you do drink Folger's Singles in front of a guy, he might feel sorry for you and buy you Starbucks. Then you can thank him every time you see him after that, and always bring up Folger's Singles, emphasizing the "Single" part, and discuss how the two of you are both like Folger's Singles who need to be replaced with one happy mocha frappe. By next Valentine's Day, even if you're not in a relationship yet, you just might be able to count on that guy giving you another Starbucks. On the other hand, if you're like me and not one for trying to attract guys yourself, well... You're just going to have to pray and eat lots of chocolate-dipped seaweed. Which isn't a bad thing! And when guys find out about your awesome tastes, it might attract interest - and you didn't even have to do anything different for it to happen!
Leah: What's awesome about being single?
Esther Mielke: Singleness is a gift. It only comes once in a lifetime. Sometimes it seems that it takes up too much of our lifetime, but how many times have you heard older persons bragging about how they've stayed single for 60 years, and having a party for it? But we do hear about these couples who make a big deal of celebrating that they've reached a certain anniversary of marriage. Why is that? Well, obviously, marriage must be pretty rough. Of course, marriage does have its benefits - but the easiness of singleness only lasts a short time in most cases, but marriage is forever. So let's all go out have have singleness parties! Celebrate the fact that you can mix bacon into your rice krispy treats, and pickles in the ice cream without anyone getting disturbed over it. Go and be awesome. Single.

The Modern Day Bride Price

So.... apparently in the old days the Bride Price was to prove that he could provide for the young lady. Translate this into modern terms.....
If the young lady loves coffee.... create an assortment of various flavors of coffees, find significant meaning in each one and include a funny mug. If you want bonus points, include a Starbucks Giftcard. This will prove that you can provide for her coffee drinking needs for the rest of her life.
If the young lady enjoys hiking or other outdoor activities.... buy a really expensive pair of hiking shoes, preferably in a white or grey color. Inscribe on these shoes all the things that you like about her. I really am not sure what this proves, but I'm guessing that it proves something.
If the young lady enjoys gardening.... Compose a file of giftcards to various gardening stores. Also give her shovel with a note on it saying that you really dig her. This will prove that not only will she be able to continue her gardening but you will have a life long romance.
If the young lady likes cooking.... Write her a cookbook. Include all your favorites - Pickle Pudding, Hedgehog Soup, and Hotdog Pancakes. Also buy a strainer and leave a note in it letting her know that you hope that cooking for you won't be too straining on her. For bonus points, buy her a frying pan and a DVD version of Tangled. This proves that you will need to buy bigger clothes but you'll have a very happy Wifey Pooh.
If the young lady likes clothing and shopping.... Just don't even go there.... it's not worth it buddy.

11.5 Reasons Why He/She Might Not Be The One For You

1). He/She doesn't know your name. You may know everything about the, but if they can't remember your name, it might be time to reconsider.
2). He/She lives 12 time zones away and everyone involved is terrified of flying.
3). He/She lost their leg in 'Nam. (whereas you weren't even around for Reaganomics)
4). He/She is already married. (Check! Cause all the good ones are taken.)
5). His average annual income can only be divided by itself and zero.
6). His/Her parents were wolves. (and you can never seem to get a hold of them on a full moon)
7). He can't make eye contact through the renaissance fair armour suit he wears anytime he's out of the house.
8). All fourteen of his/her apartment mates agree he/she's the best at halo
9). They can't think of any more legitimate reasons than eight
10). They hope that no one notices that they filled up all the remaining reasons by making a nazi joke and/or a axe murderer joke
11). He/She is an axe murderer
11.5). If by "axe murderer" you meant "some sort of slaughterhouse employee" then by all means go for it. (I bet you did nazi this one coming for the "half")
~Courtesy of Karsten

Question from the Audience #1

What to do when the one you love... doesn't love you back....

While this can be painful, there are essentially 5 possible solutions. So don't lose heart.

In order to help you better understand these I will be naming them after coffee drinks....

There is the Caramel Machiatio Approach

Essentially just like it is most likely God's will for me to have a Caramel Machiattio today it is also likely that this is the one for you and they just have not noticed your amazing characteristics. In which case it would be a good idea for you to hire a marketing team to create a pamphlet highlighting your strong points and send a box of them to the person you are interested. Because we all know that God normally reveals His will to people through pamphlets.

There is also the Folger's Approach

You know how Folger's is incredibly annoying and yet some people actually drink it? Well, you can just sit back and figure that no matter how annoying you are... somebody is bound to marry you. During this time it would be a good idea to liken yourself to Folger's coffee in every aspect possible. Appear to be worthless and annoying and overall distasteful.

There is also the Espresso Approach

The Expresso Approach basically implies that everything goes so fast that she doesn't have a chance to tell you otherwise. If you don't let her have a word in edgewise she likely won't tell you no. This requires Speed Speaking Skills. For more information on how you can develop your Speed Speaking Skills contact either your local McDonald's manager or your three year old brother. I really don't care because probably neither of them have the answer.

There is also the Sugar and Cream Approach

Simply act so sweet that she can't resist you. Say nice things like, Your hair reminds me of my favorite spaghetti dinner. Use every charm in the book... you know the ones about showing up uninvited to share the other half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

The Black Coffee Approach

Give it to her straight. Set her down and don't water a thing down. Tell her all the reasons why she should marry you. Of course you'll actually have to have reasons for her to marry you which can be hard to come up with at times. But I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually.

Disclaimer: None of these are tried and true approaches. They are simply suggestions. We will not be held liable for any rotten tomato throwing, broken noses, insults, or any other damage that may occur after following any of these approaches.